If Two Gamers Have A Baby, Who Gets An Achievement?

A guide to finding that perfect co-op partner to the game of life.

Finding the perfect partner is hard. Even making friends can be hard. This is why we have hobbies. We pursue our interests in the hopes that we will meet people who like what we like, which makes us like each other. Have a similar hobby to me? Enjoy the same movies, books, music or games? Also hate Ethan Hawke’s pathetic, whiny, snot-face? Let’s be friends. Attractive member of the opposite sex? Marry me.

I will give you an exclusive look into one, uneducated man’s baseless opinion on why dating a gamer is like having a happiness cheat code for relationship and how to pick out a gamer in a crowd with one cheesy pickup line.

This article was originally titled: How My Pickup Line Is Designed To Weed Out Non-Gamer Muggles Leaving Me With The Gorgeous, New Breed of Super Lady Known as the Gaming Whoman. Please note the “h” in “woman”. It is not meant to be read as who-man; it is to be read like an old, hawk-eyed, sour-mouthed English teacher would make you say “whale” or “whip”. It gives some nice emphasis so that we can all be on the same page here. These ladies are something special.

In case you’re wondering, that whole previous paragraph was a Family Guy reference. It was long and laborious but we got there in the end. I regret nothing.

I am not speaking of girls who plays games to impress guys or because they know that “quirky” hobbies make them hotter; no. I am talking about those special ladies who play games because they genuinely love them. So basically what Olivia Munn would have you believe she is. I’m not sure if it’s true but study this picture anyway, for science.

Study that picture hard. As a side note, that four word sentence is a work of double entendre genius. My literary skills aside, I am talking about women who play because gaming is unlike anything else in this world. It is escapism and artistic while still needing skill, your brain and active input.

I love gaming. I am a guy. This is nothing new. For whatever reasons, gaming was and largely still is the domain of men. With new technology and (let’s face it) better games, this one sided industry has started to change. Gaming as an art-form is still in its infancy; but that does not mean that is has not changed how society functions. These magnificent women are the first products of that changing world. As taboo as it was to be an adult gamer years ago, it was worse for women. Gaming wasn’t just taboo, it was a man’s hobby and it was taboo to boot. They have fought through the stigma and the ignorance and now they are blossoming into the massively desirable people they are. She and her ilk will inherit the earth, and they are far from meek.

I am clearly infatuated, this much is obvious. Whether I have convinced you to be the same depends on your personal level of susceptibility to the opinions of people you’ve never met. I might be talking total nonsense and I might be dropping pearls of wisdom; bearing in mind that pearls are only started by a grain of filth inside of an oyster.

I need more from my woman than just a pretty face and a rockin’ bod. Beauty is important, sure, but without a strong personality to go with it, beauty is meaningless. Just ask Crysis 2.

This is where gaming comes in. I am yet to meet a stupid gamer. Even the knuckle-dragging, beer drinking, misogynistic, ape-like Neanderthals who exclusively play Call of Duty are faster and smarter than the other ape monsters out there. Gaming requires, at the very least, a sharpness of mind that is not a requirement for other activities. You have to learn, adapt and quickly make intelligent decisions.

Even casual gaming has its merits. Take Plants vs Zombies; amazing fun and outstandingly simple in concept, and yet there is a pretty hard-core tower defence game underneath. Gaming requires brains, pure and simple. If you can memorise all 646 Pokemon and their evolution chains but can’t remember the capitals of major countries, you’re not stupid or learning impaired, you’re lazy. Now you might be thinking I’m talking crap. You’d be right. There are only 151 good Pokemon.

The bullet point of my presentation is that gamers are sharp people. But wait, there’s more… order your gamer girl today and get these extra features absolutely free. Since gaming is still largely misunderstood by the mainstream, being a gamer means that you will run into that ignorant “gaming is only for sad, depressed children” attitude that old, joyless people seem to have.

Maybe it’s because happiness offends them or maybe they are angry that they grew up without internet porn. Regardless, there is little you can do to convince these people of anything other than their complete correctness in all things in the universe. This means that as gamers, we have to learn how to accept ourselves and our interests. This makes for people who are simultaneously tolerant of other people’s quirks and weird hobbies while hopefully not feeling too insecure about their own interests. Whether you have first-hand experience or not, take these words of wisdom: being accepting and encouraging, both of yourself and of your partner is good relationshippy behaviour.

Now that you are thoroughly convinced of the awesomeness of gaming people, I will explain my genius. All of the desirable characteristics that gaming folk have don’t make them easy to recognise. Unless gamers start having to wear identifying marks, this is not going to change any time soon. So how then, in the space of several seconds, do you identify which women are made of the right stuff?

Remember earlier how I said gaming is still male dominated? The aforementioned misogynistic hoard of virgin boys who play games because they like to make bang with gun? These are the people that any woman who plays games will come into contact with. They do not like the behaviour. They do not always find it funny when you tell them to go back to the kitchen. They do however get used to it.

This dear gentlemen, is the key. Any person who has had any contact with the scummy part of male gaming understands what happens. If you’ll forgive the following extended metaphor, men like to ship-talk.

We compare masts, talk about sea-men, gloat at men who only sail solo and, we like to discuss how many things we’ve rammed. Women who play games either stop playing games or they get used to this.

Standing in line at a bookstore, bar, movie, theatre. You see a lady who interests you. You stand near her paying her no attention until she’s not watching you. Then you come up behind her…

And… Say the following:

“Excuse me but you’re ah…standing on my penis”

One of two things happens.

She gets offended and leaves. No significant harm done.

Or, she chuckles.

If she chuckles, you’re in luck. You are dealing with a woman who has been around men who shiptalk a lot and has developed some kind of tolerance. She may not be a gamer, she may genuinely find it funny which means you’ve found a woman with a great sense of humour – always a good thing. Or she just might have six older brothers who will beat you for hitting on their baby sister. You have to take that chance.

More often than you would think, it’s a gamer. Any woman who has had to filter out the many billions of poorly executed come-on’s by horny virgins will chuckle at this relatively tame pickup.

Smile, apologise for the line and tell her the story of where you heard it. Endear yourself.