Wolf’s Wicked Words: Space-Time Continuum

Before we begin, why don’t we examine the title of this opinion piece? It’ll make everyone’s life much easier and by doing so, we will perhaps lower the suicide rate for short period of time. The suicide rate is a very real and fragile beast. If we are to tone down anything that contains mathematical equations and science that are to be presented without any real and useful reason, it is said that the people will start to feel love and mother nature’s embrace again. True story.

This opinion piece will not help you with your science and / or math homework, therefore I only chose the name for the mere reason of it sounding smart and it contains a hyphen as well. Hyphens are fun, festive and for those of you that are not familiar with all the fun-time activities that it presents by simply just existing, just accept the little guy with his flat posture and embrace all the possibilities. Petroleum-egg.

More importantly, I want to direct your attention to the word: “time”. Time is probably the most influential part of living and whether you like it or not, time will always keep on ticking, no matter how hard you try making it last longer or wishing it to go by faster, it will continue at its own pace. Cheeky bastard!

I think it’s safe to say that everyone here has at some point been disappointed by time passing us by, when we were playing a new game that has been looked forward to for months or years on end. We don’t want our precious time with the game to be over so soon. Not everyone possesses the privilege of playing games for hours on end. So we must examine the problem that is plaguing the very chronology of our gaming time. And only when we root out the evil that is mismanaging our sacred and most holy hobby, will we be able to fend of this evil, time-burglarizing son of a man’s best friend in female form!

Let’s think of a scenario.

“Sinclair is a young guy coming home from school / work and needs some desperate gaming time. He boots up his trusty gaming platform (you decide which one he has). He inserts a  jewel-encrusted flat object into the specified platform’s non-innuendo inspired opening and begin playing a marvelous venture into the realm of digital entertainment. (If you feel that this paragraph is sexist due my choosing of a sole male character, please change the words describing the character’s sex to the female sex, and change the name to Lindsay or Martha. Yes, I said sex… Twice… You can stop giggling, we all know where we came from… Hopefully…)

Sinclair luxuriates in the gaming realm in which he is currently fully immersed. His eardrums respond to the sudden twang outside of the large window covered with his favorite (choose color) satin drapes. He stretches his legs and makes his way from his loveseat to the murky window. Nothing out of the ordinary. He makes his way back to his seat. He catches a glimpse of the current hour in the corner of his eye which alerts him to the late nature of the aforementioned hour. Following a barrage of cuss words, he shuts down his gaming platform and jumps into bed. Why are the fates of time so cruel? Why can he not enjoy his gaming time without having to suffer the dire consequences of too little time?”

How do we help these poor sods? And by poor sods I mean us, the gamers.

So far, my thesis is as follows: “We are victims of the B.T.C.A.G.F aka Bureau of Time Corruption Against Gaming Folk. They are responsible for the struggle causing the unforgivable actions against gamers. They are using their vacuum-infused machinery alongside tactical cloaks to sneak into our Zen areas. After they have made their entry, they will creep into your room and suck away the very minutes you so desperately need!

After a while they will accumulate enough time to travel back in time to stop the invention of gaming as we know it.

Therefore, I request an immediate plan of action. Whenever you catch a B.T.C.A.G.F. agent in your home, hit him with the nearest blunt object and release the seal on his backpack, by pressing the flashing purple button. This will cause a chain reaction, releasing the captured time with order being restored at Dragon’s Reach. Do not let them get their hands on our precious time!”

It’s either that or you’re just enjoying yourself?

Please excuse me, my Animus is waiting. I’ll continue with my real-life farming simulator and see you next time with more carrots and / or chickens.