A Game To Celebrate Women’s Day
As the sun sets on this Women’s Day, another year where the 9th of August is regarded by South Africans as a time to appreciate that fairer sex we share this beautiful world with, who fill it with their own beauty each day, the lack of proper female representation in gaming has got me to thinking.
Now make no mistake, I’ve been playing a lot of Lollipop Chainsaw of late (right now, the game is paused in the background as I type this) so I’m all about the promotion of the female brand. As such, I’ve devised a brand new game to promote the bearers of the X chromosome, the reason men have nipples and the reason there are still men around in the first place.
Dear women of the world.
Are you tired of being told to get into the kitchen and make sandwiches by your male partners or friends? Do you yearn for the day when they would not complain that the cheese is not properly cut in those sandwiches after you adhere to their requests? Would you like to put a stop to badly ironed clothing and the complaints that follow? Would you like to feel worth something?
Well we have just the game for you.
Introducing the Kitchen Simulator, a game for the endearing female.
It doubles as a triple-A blockbuster with entertainment value to rival even the big-hitters that dominate Xbox LIVE and PlayStation Network, while also providing educational value by teaching you how to make a proper sandwich.
You will feel right at home in the Kitchen Simulator, which will come with quests you must undertake, including the proper cutting of cheese for sandwiches, kettle etiquette, how to make a really great cup of coffee for your spouse, washing dishes without breaking them and finally, the quintessential celebration of being a woman, how to cook a meal that he will lap up when he gets home from work later, instead of ordering food like some lazy good-for-nothing.
This game simulates what it’s really like to spend all day in the kitchen, and really teaches you as a female to know your place.
Tired of playing solo? Take it online where thirteen-year-old males will constantly remind you exactly where you belong and make yet more requests for sandwiches before belittling you in every conceivable manner and then sending you friend requests. You will be the life of every party. Well, party mode.
Further downloadable content takes things to other areas of the house, including expanded quests such as ironing clothes without burning them, knowing the right time to take clothes off the washing line and of course, sweeping and mopping the floors without missing a spot. There’s even bonus DLC for polishing the furniture, available to early adopters through pre-order.
Kitchen Simulator is the ultimate experience of being female and is a must-play for anyone with a vagina and / or boobs.
Now you can truly call yourself a woman.
Disclaimer: I am of course entirely joking in this little piece of satirical mischief. I have the utmost respect for all women, and today is your day to enjoy some sort of smug superiority over males until tomorrow, when you’re back in the kitchen. Again, joke! Seriously, thank you all for being so amazing and for taking all of our kitchen jokes and the like, with smiles on your faces. The world wouldn’t be the same (or actually populated by humans) without you. Even though you totally bring us absolute misery sometimes… you’re still the best thing to happen to the world. Well, that and Half-Life 2. Anyway. Keep on keeping on, ladies.