Borderlands 2 — Now With Added Gun Customization!

“A bajillion guns just got bajillioner”

As most of you gamers out there know already, Borderlands 2 is awesome. If you don’t think so then kindly insert a drill running at full velocity into your skull and have skull sex with it. A big part of this amazing game is the loot system where you can loot a myriad guns with added bonuses and special features incorporated into them. Nothing screams comedic genius like Moxxi’s Bad Touch gun where she says that you will understand why it’s her favourite gun the moment you use it. After you equip it your controller vibrates like crazy until you shoot a bullet from it. Laughs all around.

Now what if I told you that Borderlands 2 will soon feature an option where you can create your very own gun from scratch! No longer do you have to shoot 5 billion enemies to get that one unique and powerful weapon capable of killing anything that moves. Now, for a small fee, you can make any sort of combination possible. These include added features that you can incorporate into your weapon that gives it that personal touch. Like hats? You can craft a gun that shoots out fedoras and top hats with blistering speed that deal extra damage if you manage to shoot one directly unto your attacker’s head. Have you always been a well-endowed male? You can craft a gun that shouts “I’M HUNG LIKE A HORSE” every time you shoot it. You are guaranteed to get all the ladies.

These are but a few of many weapon combinations that you can toy with as well as some ideas that can be made a reality:

• A rocket launcher with the name “Yo dawg” that fires rocket launchers inside rocket launchers that shoot rockets that explode into more rocket launchers.
• An SMG that fires dicks. Yes, that’s all it does. What did you expect? Gearbox made Duke Nukem Forever after all.
• A shotgun that upon firing explodes in your hands and calls you a cunt. Only for the true masochists out there.
• A grenade mod capable of reading out the entire Twilight book series in 3 seconds flat and forces your enemies into killing themselves and weeping for humanity.
• You can attach up to six grenade launchers to any gun you choose. These grenades explode into confetti and go into a harmonious chorus of children going “la-la-la-la la la” and subsequently freaking the shit out of anyone in the room.
• An assault rifle called “Sexual Assault” that fires drills that home in on the anuses of your various attackers. There aren’t woman enemies in the game so it’s non-sexist as well!
• A rocket launcher that fires boomboxes playing Satanic Black Metal.
• An attachment that allows you to watch Game of Thrones on a small LCD display if you’re walking across long stretches of land.
• An ammo mod capable of teleporting your enemies into an office where they have to work for 18 hours a day and never get to see their family while having tons of debt to pay and suffer from chronic alcoholism.
• A gun modification with the name “plagiarizzzation” that fires various copyrighted weapons and materials such as the Batarang , Mjollnir, Kratos Blades, Samurai Jack’s katana, Slipknot’s masks, Gene Simmons and many many more things that I really shouldn’t mention.
• A grenade mod that spawns children that piss on your attackers and make them hate life.
• Bullets that include tiny speakers that play Justin Bieber’s Baby every time it hits a target. Didn’t quite make it through testing because the test staff killed themselves after ten minutes. Both in the game and in real life.
• A rocket modification that screams “LEEEERRRRROOOOOY JEEEEEEENKIIIINS” that does a full 360 degree turn after firing and just ruins everything.

Many more combinations are possible and the sky is truly the limit. Added with the “Super Ultra Weapon Customizing For Everything You Can Possibly Dream Of And Probably Will Create A Monstrosity With Sixteen Thousand Barrels That Fire Flaming Penises” (Patent pending) you will also receive a hug from a Gearbox staff member (Pre-requisite: You have to be attractive), complimentary water every time you enter Gearbox’s office, a special gift voucher that qualifies you to receive the Boyfriend character class in the year 2015 that is capable of making you pregnant and ignores you during gameplay because you don’t “satisfy” him enough and much much more!

This beautiful pack will be available on the 30th of February 2013 for the low price of 10 000 MSP or your left leg.

Oh God I wish this was real.